Lawrence’s Bold Plan to Save Businesses by Trapping Them.
(Brought to you by the Lawrence Board of Potholes and Philosophical Reflection.)
(by your humble local infrastructure correspondent, who hasn’t made it through a detour without tears since 2011)
Lawrence, Kansas, is preparing for a bold civic experiment, closing one of its main arteries, Ninth Street, for eight months, possibly ten, in the name of progress, drainage, and character development. City officials say it’s necessary to replace a storm sewer installed in 1911, back when men wore hats, women couldn’t vote, and infrastructure was expected to last forever because it was made of rocks and optimism.
According to the city’s engineering program manager, Nick Hoyt, residents have two exciting options.
- Close the street for eight months straight.
- Close it twice, for ten months total.
Hoyt even said, “It’s kind of like asking which version of a root canal you’d prefer.” This is, without question, the most honest sentence ever spoken by a public official. Because that’s exactly what it is, except with more orange cones and less Novocaine.
Science Has Questions about the City Construction Work
The City of Lawrence insists the Ninth Street project is not performance art about human suffering. It’s just “necessary infrastructure.”
The culprit → a 1911 storm sewer that “can no longer support drainage needs.”
City engineers rejected several perfectly reasonable alternatives, including the following.
- Renaming it Canal Street and pretending this was the plan.
- Installing a giant Brita filter under Big Mill and calling it “artisanal drainage.”
They claim the sewer is “a century old and undersized.” Fair-but if it’s survived two world wars, four Beatles, and multiple “temporary” detours, maybe it’s not the sewer that’s failing. Maybe it’s just emotionally done.
Officials warn that without repairs, downtown Lawrence could flood, endangering traffic, small businesses, and the fragile ecosystem of local entrepreneurs who already operate at the emotional waterline.
As one business owner put it, “It’s less an arterial street, and more of an open-heart surgery… without anesthesia.”
City philosopher-engineer Nick Hoyt agrees, “If you don’t have the root canal, you get an infection.”
In this case, the infection is water.
Or possibly Facebook outrage. Hard to tell anymore.
And so, the noble work begins, five months, maybe ten, maybe forever. The cones multiply, the street groans, and somewhere deep below, a 114-year-old pipe whispers, “I told you so.”
SMALL PLATES, BIG PROBLEMS for Lawrence Business Owners
The Lawrence KS Ninth Street construction has turned a once-bustling dining corridor into what urban planners call “progress” and everyone else calls a controlled apocalypse.
For Lawrence business owners, “devastating financial impacts” is no longer a warning, it’s a recurring Tuesday.
Take the local heroes, Fork & Tumbler, Big Mill, Great Harvest Bread, and 9th Street Mexican Tacos, all now facing the cheerful prospect of customers arriving by canoe. What used to be traffic flow is now a scenic parade of backhoes, barricades, and one city intern holding a clipboard and whispering, “Oops.”
At Fork & Tumbler, construction threatens to block deliveries, kill power, and season their cocktails with a light dusting of municipal sediment. Their signature smoked bourbon now comes with hints of gravel and despair. “It’s going to kill us,” said one owner, with the calm resignation of someone who’s already survived a Lawrence committee meeting. And he’s not wrong, the Titanic hit an iceberg; Lawrence small businesses are being sunk by a 1911 culvert.
The city promises “access will be maintained,” which, in municipal services language, means “If you climb the rubble, wave dramatically, and shout ‘open for business,’ someone in the next parking lot might hear you.”
Officials remind us this pain is temporary. But for these businesses, temporary could mean possibly even closures – the civic equivalent of “the operation was a success, but everyone’s broke.”
So as dust drifts through shuttered doors and “progress” rumbles on, it’s worth asking, when the last cone finally disappears, will there still be a coffee shop left to serve the people who built it? Or will Ninth Street just reopen as a beautifully drained memorial to Lawrence business owners who believed in traffic flow?
WELCOME WORLD CUP FANS (PLEASE PARK IN MISSOURI)
In a display of timing so perfect it belongs in a sitcom, the closure could coincide with the World Cup, when thousands of international soccer fans might visit Lawrence.
Yes, while the world’s greatest athletes play nearby, Lawrence plans to close its main gateway. It’s like hosting the Olympics and deciding to repave the airport runway that month.
Imagine the signs
Welcome World Cup Visitors!
Please enjoy our scenic detour through seventeen stop signs, three backyards, and the concept of despair.
City leaders say Lawrence could become a “base camp” for a World Cup team, which is impressive – assuming the team survives the roundabout near the barricades.
WORLD CUP DEATHMATCH (FAN vs. DETOUR)
A mock itinerary for a World Cup visitor trying to get from the stadium to 9th Street
- 9:00 AM – Attempt to find coffee.
- 9:45 AM – Begin descent into the Lawrence Labyrinth.
- 10:30 AM – End up on a county road. Pretty sure that was a cow.
- 11:12 AM – Make peace with the idea that tacos are a concept, not a guarantee.
THE CITY OF LAWRENCE FACEBOOK CHORUS
Citizens have responded to the news with typical Lawrence composure, total commie meltdown.
Here’s a sampling, which reads like a cross between a town hall and a group therapy session.
- “The city doesn’t care about business owners.” – Scott M.
- “If Joe’s Bakery were still there, this wouldn’t be a problem.” – Tina R.
- “Tax a lot… and treat citizens like shit!” – Roger R., amateur philosopher.
- “It’s all a plot so Olive Garden can move downtown.” – (Unverified, but probably true.)
My personal favorite was the person who calmly proposed “Figure it out, or don’t do it until you do!” which should absolutely replace the city’s motto.
Also, someone saw a bobcat near 7th & Mississippi. Might be relevant.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS A PLAN (SORT OF)
City Hall says this is part of a $20 million “Jayhawk Watershed” project, which sounds like either an infrastructure upgrade or a dystopian novel.
The road, once finished, will be a three-lane masterpiece with bike lanes wide enough for one confused cyclist and two abandoned traffic cones. Business owners fear this will make traffic worse. The city counters that it will make it different. As in, “differently impassable.”
Everyone agrees it will be painful. The city’s approach is essentially, “We understand your suffering. That’s why we’re making it longer.”
A MODEST PROPOSAL
To support Ninth Street businesses, I propose the following innovative measures for consideration.
- A gondola service connecting downtown to Fork & Tumbler. (“Take the Venice of Kansas Route.”)
- A marketing campaign > “Come to Ninth Street – If You Can Find It.”
- Construction-themed cocktails > The “Jackhammer Julep” and the “Cone Zone Cosmo.”
- A city reality show > Lawrence: Extreme Drain Makeover, hosted by that culvert from 1911.
EPILOGUE. THE ROOT CANAL OF CIVILIZATION.
When it’s all over, Lawrence will have a new sewer system, a slightly narrower street, and approximately zero surviving small businesses. But at least the floods will know their place.
And maybe, just maybe, some future archaeologist will dig through the ruins and say, “Ah yes – here lies the Jayhawk Watershed Project. They gave everything for drainage.”
